Remembering the Hard

I've been putting off journaling and writing a new blog. 'Cause sometimes it's hard to put things into writing. Sometimes you have all these emotions inside and you don't even know how to word them or put them all in order 'cause they're just plain messy. Or sometimes it's scary spelling out those messy feelings... and anyway, feelings can be so fickle! Our month of October started with a blur of tears, fears, and sadness, grieving & missing someone who still was here, but so not the same anymore. October ended and November started with heartache and bittersweet joy, and through all of it a peace that only God can give.
Dad was growing more and more weak. He wasn't able to take in the proper nutrition anymore and the cancer in his throat was making it impossible to swallow. They went to a center in West Virginia, and from there to a hospital in Winchester Virginia. The Thursday he was admitted, mom thought he was going to pass. But he sat up at one point and said something about wanting to take his grandchildren fishing. By the time
we all arrived his hands were warm again. They put him on IV, but he was still very hungry. (It just breaks my heart to think that he spent most of his days this summer not being able to eat his fill. Especially his last month)  They did a cat scan and a few other tests. The tumor in his head showed that it was pushing against his brain. In the end though, it was the cancer in his esophagus that took his life. He was in the hospital from Thursday - Monday. We all spent 24 hours all together, then from there we took 24 hour shifts. Dave & I went down on Sunday afternoon, and then brought them home to hospice center in Mount Joy on Monday, October 23. Its a very nice quiet place, they did a very good job at keeping him comfortable a pain free.
 The days at the hospice center are just kind of a blur... it was hard, but a joy to sit there with him, hold his hand. We sang, we read him his favorite bible verses. Somedays I felt numb, other days I felt impatient with God. But over and over I had a choice, the choice to say "God you are good, God I trust that Your ways are best." They took off his IV on Wednesday, as they said it will do more harm than good as his organs won't be able to process the fluids as they shut down.  He didn't swallow anything for 16 days, but was on IV for 6 of those 16 days. He was in the hospice center 12 days and then he went to be with Jesus on Sunday November 5th, around 12:30 A.M. mom and Sara Ann were sleeping, mom beside him on the couch holding his hand. Something woke Sara Ann up just in time to see him take his last breath.
 He didn't talk at all soon after he was at the hospice center. And his last several days he was too weak to even squeeze our hands. It was so hard when he tried to tell us what something, and we couldn't figure it out... but I am so thankful that we did have the opportunity to say good by, to say I love you, to say thanks, thank for being the best dad ever. Even though he could respond, I know He heard.
  I can't really describe the feeling of being told dad is gone. Relief that he's no longer just laying there, dying of starvation. But the pain of imagining a future with dad not in it still makes the tears flow. But oh the hope! That blessed assurance of knowing he is safe at home with his Jesus! I can so easily imagine, in my earthly mind that is, him worshipping and praising God! Walking those golden streets, and having a glorious reunion with those who have gone on before! Most of all, I can picture dad the way he used to be before the cancer shriveled his body down to skin and bones. He was strong and tall! And that's how I see him! Tall, dark and handsome! Oh Dad, I will always miss you here...
His viewing was at Gap View Church on Sunday evening. The funeral was on Monday, at 1:00. With the burial at Gap View as well. It was cloudy and rainy, but as we trailed out to the graveyard the sun was shining so bright! It felt like a hug from God.

Just a few things I want to remember:
In the hospital he asked us to sing God is so Good. He helped along, his voice raspy, and quiet. Tapping his chest as he said those words, "God is so good, He's so good to me"

He would thank God over and over for His blood. Raising his hands in praise to God. Repeating the promises over and over.

He would ask every new nurse that came in, "do you know Jesus?"

A few of his favorite scriptures were Psalm 103, and Psalm 91.

                                                 I miss holding his hand...

 I miss this man

   June, 2017

March, 2016

July, 2014

He wasn't granted healing this side of heaven, like we'd all be praying, believing and hoping for. (Yes, sometimes I ask God why!) But

He fought a good fight, he kept the faith. he has finished his race. To live is Christ, to die is gain.

I want to carry on his legacy to my children. They won't remember much of dad, that's hard. But it's so much more important that they know Jesus. (Sometimes we just need to put things in the right prospective! )

He was a giver. A server. A behind the scenes type of guy.  Steady. :) 

I am so grateful that He knew Jesus. So grateful that he "showed" me Jesus. He was a "rock" for us children, when things got shakey, he never griped. Just counted his blessings and chose love. 

"O gentle one we miss you here 

Sweet form we loved so well

But in our Father's better care

We know the child is well."

Isaiah 65:17

For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth; And the former things shall not be remembered or come to mind

Tomorrow we plan to get together for Thanksgiving... without dad. he's actually not going to be there. How is this even real? 

Dad, "I'll meet you in the morning, 

with a "how do you do", and we'll sit down, by the river and with rapture old acquaintance renew. 

You'll know me in the morning by the smile that I wear, and I'll meet you in the morning, in that city that is built for square. " this song holds a special memory... I sang it to him before I went home one evening, as I left there was a tear in his eye. A little bitty piece of me will never be complete here on earth! 

Our September days

So, after a really warm week, it looks like fall has finally arrived. Ah, I think this is my favorite season. :) There's a pumkin on my counter waiting to be made into pie. The children bought some gourds from the school across the road, which grew in their playground. 25 cents each! Thats about as far as fall decor will go for me unless they convince me to buy a big one somewhere yet. I'm not a big fan of pumpkin flavored drinks so I'm not going to join that bandwagon of raves. If it's going to be flavored let it be a salted carmel latte from Latte Luv! Honestly, they have the most brilliant business stradegey. A coffee shop drive through. When I'm traveling with a baby, a toddler, not to mention the 3 older children there is NO WAY I'm venturing into a coffee shop for an expensive cup of joe, but if my travels take my down route 30 towards Belmont Road, that's a different story! And speaking of drive throughs, Lapp Valleys drive through for milk is also just absolutely genius!!!! Could Target make a drive through??? Please?! Any way I have no clue why I'm rambling about the wonders of drive throughs here, but speaking of coffee, I'm told today is National Coffe Day, and I'm like, wait... isn't every day National Coffee Day!!!


Our September has been fun. I'm enjoying the school schedule once again. Sara is in Kindergarten on Wednesdays and Fridays, so it's quite different around here. I love the few hours of peace and quiet that I have IF Ethan and Abigail happen to take their afternoon nap at the same time. :) They are all enjoying school so much and we are so grateful for their Christian school. We've been prepping for history tests, bible memory, alphabet flashcards. We've had a party at school to celebrate Miss Fishers birthday and then there's the highlight of the annual fall Bake Sale. Its always alot of fun.

Here's the First Day of school pic.

Grade 3, 1 and K

August 30, 2017

And then there was Labor Day weekend. Chilly and rainy. We headed up to Amos and Kates camp on Saturday morning and stayed until Monday morning. It was as relaxing as it could've been with 5 children under 9! :) They had a blast fishing, catching crayfish, watching a snake and driving the gator! Dave & I kept them fed, untangled fishing lines, and tied knots to keep the hooks on the line! Sunday was a gorgeous day, we both went for a 6 mile run. Not at the same time, but fun none the less. I keep saying our time for runs together is coming! :) ♡ 

Gator rides! Slow safe ones with Luke driving. Fast ones with lots of shrieking & shouts of "Daddy, slow dowwwwwnnnn" with Daddy! :)

They spent hours on this bridge!

He learned a new word, "fish" 

       

Jason was in his happy place.

He fished all. Day. Long!

"Mom, Worm!!!"

 It was a wonderful little getaway, enjoyed by all. But as always, there is no place like home! 

And then there was the Bird in Hand 5k and Half Marathon. 

These are the only pictures that I have.  Ridiculous, I know. 

Dave ran his first 13.1! It was a lovely Saturday morning.  65° with no humidity. He loved it. Came in under 2 hours, barely puffing! But he was sore for daaaayyyys! Lol! Poor guy. 

Luke and I ran the 5k on Friday evening. Luke's time was 23 minutes. Wowzers kid! It took Mama turtle here 31 minutes. Haha!

And Jason and Sara ran the kids fun run. It was a fun packed weekend, giving all of us running fever. Dave put a full marathon on his bucket list and I put a half on mine, as did Luke. We'll see....

Babt girl is sitting all by herself now! She is growing so fast. She gets all kinds of food tastes. I don't even try to limit what she can and cannot have. Ethan has shared his lollipop, Daddy shares his ice cream, and mama's here with bananas, applesauce and avocado. Oh she even had her first taste of burger seasonings. She's everybody's sunshine. Luke can make her laugh the loudest. No doubt about it. Its the cutest thing ever. She doesn't do cuddles and has yet to master sleeping all night. Oh well, this is just a season. 

And speaking of seasons... We are still believing and praying, asking God to do the impossible. That which only He can do. Dad has lost so much weight. Nothing could have prepared me to see him like this. Because his cancer is in his esophagus, it makes it very hard for him to swallow. He's been drinking his food for awhile now. Oh Lord, please bring healing to his body!!! We know that You are able! We believe that You can! We know that You are good. Always, no matter what, God is good. His answer when he's asked how he is, is always this, "blessed, I'm blessed!" 

It is such a challenge to me how he is thankful and continues to praise God, even in this. Even in the hard! 

Life is a gift. Every breath. Health is a gift. 

Some may live a long time, some may know little suffering, some may know lots of trials. Trials strengthen some, while other break, or grow bitter and cold. 

Some are born healthy. Some are born and go straight into the arms of Jesus. Some are only here for a tiny, not nearly long enough season. We wonder why. And I don't think we'll ever understand fully on this side of heaven. But it will be worth it, heaven will. Be. Worth. It. All.

Truth!

God. Is. Able (Ephesians 3:20)

Now unto Him WHO IS ABLE to do EXCEEDING ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL that we could ask or think according to the power that worketh in us.  Ephesians 3:20

I just started reading a book by Priscilla Shirer, God Is Able is the title. and the theme is on this verse. And it really got me thinking...

Would you look at Paul's choice of words here? It's like he couldn't quite express what he wanted to bring out. The greatness of our Heavenly Father. He can do for us way, way, way more than we can even think to ask Him! Imagine that! And He is able. People He CAN work that miracle you're almost afraid to ask for, that thing that looks way to hard, or maybe you're almost afraid to hope for it. He is able! He is the God of the universe. He spoke the world into existence. He took dust, blew on it, and made a man with a soul that will live on forever. Too often I hear the story of creation and yeah, that happened, pretty cool. But really!!! He just spoke, and there it was, light, sun, moon, stars, EVERYTHING! He is Almighty! Truly there is no one like Our God.

 I tend to be like, "yes, I know He can, but will He? Or, what if He doesnt?" And so, I'm almost afraid to hope, or to ask. But I think we need to be bold, to believe and to have that assurance that God can. And then like the men in the fiery furnace said, "Our God whom we serve IS ABLE to deliver us out of the Burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand O King. BUT IF NOT, be it known to you O King, that we will not serve thy Gods, nor worship the golden image which though hast set up. Daniel 3:17-18 They proclaimed that God could, but even if He didn't they still wouldn't stop serving Him. That's where we need to be. "God I know you can, but even if you don't I will still believe, & I will still serve you!"

Which brings to my thoughts one of my favorite songs right now.
 Even If, by Mercy Me.
 "I know you're able, I know You can,
save through the fire with your mighty hand,
but even if don't, my hope is in You Lord! You've been faithful, You've been good all my days,
 Jesus I will cling to you, come what may...."

So, what am I believing God for right now? Complete healing from cancer for my dad. It looks big, but is anything to hard for God? Nope! I believe that sickness is part of living in a fallen world, a result of the sin of Adam and Eve. I know that after this life on earth is no more, when we are spending all eternity with Jesus in a perfect, new world, there will be no more sickness or dying, therefore I do not think that sickness or disease is from God. Can God take and make something beautiful from that? YES! We can grow stronger and learn and our relationship with God can grow deeper during those times if we choose to worship Him and trust in Him. Because what Satan means for evil, God uses for good. (Genesis 50:20.)
I'm still learning how to walk out this journey of faith. (I certainly haven't arrived! I'm not even sure I should be writing about it to be quite honest!) I ask God often as did the father of the boy who fell often into the fire and needed deliverence from the demon within, "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief." (Mark 9:24) That's where the struggle lies! We know God can, we know He does, but we fall into the trap of unbelief. And just a side note, I'm not talking about the power of positive thinking thing. Positive thinking is a good thing, but what I'm talking about is faith.  Positive thinking is about the power of thinking positive thoughts, "good vibes" I've heard them called. The faith and belief I'm trying to bring out here is the power of Jesus Christ within us! Faith is seeing that which we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1) We didn't see God create the world, we didn't see Moses and the Israelites cross the Red Sea on dry land. We didn't see Jesus on The cross, and we don't have a visual document of our salvation, but we have faith and we believe that it happened. That's what I'm talking about! :)

Maybe my rambling don't quite make sense, and maybe I'm off. I pray that God would correct me through His Spirit or through one of you if I write something that is out of line! I still have many questions, I often don't understand God's ways and that ok. I know that "bad things" happen to good Godly people. I go back to Job, and I don't really fully understand. But I decided that I will take peepie steps in faith, and I will believe that what Jesus said and taught is true! He was and still is a healer, and a miracle maker. And God is a good, loving, Father.

What is your "big" today? What is your "seemingly impossible"? Give it to the One who is able to do exceeding, abundantly, above all.

Be blessed....

 Here's the question I've been asking myself. To blog, or not to blog. What would I write about? Family? Food? Our life? Little bits of "wisdom"? Things about scripture? That burning topic on my heart? But anyway, I took a teeny step and created a blog site. I'm praying that God would lead me in my writing. That it could encourage or bless someone who stumbles across it.

A little about me... first of all, I'm 'wife' to an amazing man. We've been married for 10 wonderful years. I'm 'mom' to 5 littles. Luke is 9, Jason, 6, Sara 5, Ethan will be 2 on Monday & Abigail is almost 5 months old. These are the days that everyone with adult children tells us are "the best days of our lives"! Somedays I'm wondering if they remember the chaotic, crazyness of it all! However, I trust that because they've been where we now are, they're probably right! :) And yes, these are the days. The days full of life and chatter and laughter. And the days of sibling spats, but where forgiveness is usually freely  given. The days of seemingly endless bickering, wild boy moments, shrieks and peals of giggles. Days when sitting in a chair can mean feet and legs anywhere but down! :) Days of dollies, and playing Sunday School, and days of backyard baseball, football, or soccer games, depending on the season. And days when I just want to hide with my coffee and that secret stash of candy. (Yes, I'm one of those moms who hides chocolate from her kiddos. I've gotten pretty creative! :) Grocery bag tied to a clothes hanger, placed way back in my closet is a lasting favorite!!!! For those of you who need new ideas.) Mornings that start too early, nights that are way too short. I had no idea being a mom would be so challenging and yet sooo sweet!  ("Oh God help me to "mom" with joy, with grace, with love. Not just for the "good" times, but the "hard" times too.") 
 And That's where the title for my blog comes in. A few favorite quotes from Ann Voskamp.  

"Gratefulness is not what you feel after times of joyfulness. Gratefulness is what you do to get times of joyfulness."

I'm a firm believer that Joy is a choice. Thankfulness is a choice and Praise is a choice. Do I always choose it? No, sometimes I don't FEEL like choosing gratefulness or to be joyful. That's where I need Jesus. I need Him to give me the strength to choose, when I'd rather have a pity party, or when I'd rather wallow. A friend of mine told me a little while ago "God's grace is always there, we just need to reach out and grab it!" Amen!!!